After shoving Hansel in the oven, the witch turns to Gretel - who is currently fending the witch off with a gingerbread chair - and says:
“I can’t believe you thought a trail of breadcrumbs would save you. I mean, honestly, this is a forest! It’s full of animals. Honestly, the very idea that a dumb shit like you thought you could get the better of me is absurd.”
Gretel hits her in the face with said chair. To be fair to the witch, she takes the chairshot like a champ.
“Ow!”
“Did you know,” says Gretel, “that crows are capable of facial recognition?”
“Eh?” Says the witch, clambering to her feet and pulling a candy cane sledgehammer off the wall. “What’s that got to do with anything?”
“Not only that,” Gretel continues, “but they can remember both friends and enemies. And they’ll often follow people they remember as friends.”
The two fence with their sugared weapons for a moment, before the witch knocks the chair out of Gretel’s hands.
“Enough with the bird facts! Honestly, this whole attempted escape has been utter clownshoes. Get in the fucking oven!”
She seizes Gretel by the collar. Gretel immediately sandbags, letting her whole body go limp. This eminently practical defense forces the witch to try and deadlift her. Which is hard, as the witch often skips leg day.
“For example,” Gretel says, as the witch struggles and grunts, “if you feed crows a lot of breadcrumbs, they’ll probably start to see you as a friend and follow you in the hope of more food.”
The witch stops. Outside, she hears the thunder of wings.
“They’ll even bring you shiny things they find as presents!” Says Gretel, as a corner of the gingerbread ceiling is suddenly cut away by a large crow with a knife in its mouth.
“Oh shitballs.” Says the witch, as the crows descend. “I hope you know this is a great unkindness.”
K this is a real problem for public libraries trying to supply their communities with media. We can’t buy those shows on DVD either. And what about bringing the community together to watch a show or movie? We can’t get licensing for it. We can’t preserve those shows if streaming services never release them on DVD. It’s frustrating and concerning.
[Image: Rick Riordan ( @/rickriodan at mastadon ) says: I am glad books are not (for the most part) provided by streaming services. Imagine a world where book series are not just cancelled but all copies are erased from existence, like many of the shows being pulled from Disney+ right now. It’s deeply unsettling.]
This (media not being distributed in physical formats) is especially frustrating in rural communities. In many rural places internet infrastructure is practically, if not actually, nonexistent, making streaming highly impractical. Remember the early 00’s, when dial-up internet was still the most affordable option? There are so many places where it’s still the only option because it isn’t profitable to run cable or fiber. Since internet service is still 100% privately-owned in the US people who live in far-flung, sparsely-populated areas are dismissed as not valuable enough potential customers.
Then there’s the parallel issue of cost in general. In the days of exclusively physical media it was eventually possible for most people in a community to upgrade to the newest media format. As technology ages it (generally) becomes more affordable as mid- and low-end versions of things like DVD players become common. It might take a long time, but a low-income family could conceivably save up to buy a Blu-Ray player and keep themselves from being locked out of the modern media ecosystem. Those devices were one-time investments that could be used for years. Streaming services are the opposite in every way: the cost of the platform subscriptions and the internet connectivity needed to access them will only continued to rise, and there’s no end to the payments. Two months of bare bones internet (~$20 if they’re lucky) and a Netflix subscription ($9.99 for the basic plan, $6.99 for the godawful ad-supported tier) will be more expensive than a basic Blu-Ray player (~$60) within 3 months.
Not providing physical copies of this media prevents people from participating in culture.
Y’all, I’m over here DYING cuz Google suggested me this article about the crisis of backyard chicken keepers– which is that they love having chickens so much that they keep getting more, and then don’t know what to do with all the eggs.
Which I can see how this would be a problem, but it’s just so funny to me because they had interviewed this one guy who started off with 3 chickens, and then kept adding more and more, and eventually started donating the eggs to a local food bank, and at the end of the year when they wrote him a tax receipt, he discovered he’d donated over 400 dozen eggs.
Seriously, it was a whole article talking very seriously about how people are so into chickens that they just keep collecting them like pokemon and then have to “scramble” (their words not mine) to get rid of the eggs, because they weren’t even thinking of egg production, they just loved having chickens.
And while I may be over here laughing a bit too hard, honestly? Big Mood.
this is gonna sound like a shitpost but the best advice i have if youre consistently coming off wrong is to start talking like an elcor
you will feel like a dumdum at first, but once you get used to it youll realize that telling people what kind of thing you’re about to say ahead of time flattens their anxiety a huge amount
ive been starting every question with “question:” for awhile now and i almost never get people reading too much into what i mean anymore
it seems super dumb, but “what are your plans tomorrow?” gets people asking me what i have planned despite me obviously being in the process of figuring that out, whereas “question: what are your plans tomorrow?” gets me a quick rundown of their schedule, followed by “why?”
it also makes it really easy to work tone indicators into your verbal speech. if you’re always saying “question: [your question here]?” then no one blinks when you say “genuine question: [question that could read as sarcastic]?”
it also gets you out of your own way for any types of things you struggle to say. “can you make sure to do the dishes before you go to bed?” feels like an argument waiting to happen, but “request: can you make sure to do the dishes before you go to bed?” gets the words flowing on a neutral word while making it clear that you’re not looking for a fight
so yeah. suggestion: talk like an elcor
i said “suggestion for you if you havent thought of it:” today so im reblogging this
Useful addition: “this is not a guilt trip or moral judgement, just checking facts: have you done the dishes”.
Or “Just checking if I need to, have you done the dishes today”
Or “please do the dishes, Im not upset I just need a plate”.
Being clear about your intentions this way also heads off RSD or trauma-type anxiety, guilt, frustration, demand-avoidance, fear, etc.
Another phrasing useful for when you are emotional is “Im definitely frustrated, but Im not frustrated at you because I know you’re doing your best.”
Of course it only really works if you genuinely mean it.
My favourite thing about fan fiction is the experience of watching/reading something and being like ‘huh - I can see a potential pairing there, those two characters could be interesting together’. And then you casually look up the pairing on AO3 and someone has written the most beautiful, heart-wrenching love story you’ve ever read, with character analysis that makes you want to scream, and they’ve teased out the threads of the relationship dynamic in such an interesting way that makes so much SENSE, but you never would have thought it would be so fucking ELECTRIC. And then you recover enough from that fic to read another one, and it’s JUST AS FUCKING GOOD, and before you know it, it’s 3am and your eyes are burning and you’re squinting at the 100th scene of them confessing their love for each other and it’s still not enough. You know what I’m saying???
Fanfictions are myths. We all take the same source material and we say “Here’s what this looks like from where I live, am sitting, know, believe.”
This is why we can read 100 coffee shop AUs because they’re NOT all the same. They come from the same myth, but each retelling gives it a new facet, spin, character…fanfictions are modern myths and I love them.
You can literally make anything and anyone problematic if you try hard enough seriously give me people and things and I’ll make them all “problematic” right now.
Dogs.
I don’t even have to do this one because PETA did it first by insinuating domestication is inherently abusive.
The sky
Used to trick and mock anyone who asks “what’s up?” A bullying tactic.
Super Mario Bros.
Stereotypes Italians, enforces the narrative of women who need men to rescue them, and encourages violence against turtles.
John Mulaney
He was over on the bench and he SAW what they did to Tyler and he did NOTHING.
Omfg
Pokemon
Making your pets fight repeatedly is animal abuse.
OP
OP literally argued that dogs were problematic but go off I guess
This is a work of art and should be sent to everyone as soon as they sign up for Tumblr so they know what they’re walking into
“Stop saying 15 year olds with weird interests are cringe, they’re 15” this is true however you should also stop saying adults with weird interests are cringe because who gives a shit
To wit:
I want to share some wisdom from my high school art teacher.
In my AP Art class, there was a girl who was just starting to experiment with mixed media. At this point she was still playing around, trying to decide what direction she wanted to go with her portfolio. So one critique day, she brought in an abstract canvas with some rhinestone highlights and painted and real peacock feathers. She loved sparkles and peacock feathers so she thought she’d try introducing them a *little*. And after everyone had given some input, the teacher gave her his advice, VERY roughly paraphrased here:
“So here’s the thing… I do not like this style. These are just elements that do not speak to me personally, but I see that you like them, and you’re doing interesting things with them.
“My biggest critique is, I only merely *dislike* this piece. I want you to make me HATE it. Go crazy with the things that you like. Don’t hold back trying to make it palatable to people like me. Because I am NEVER going to like it. And if the audience does not like it, it should drive them crazy seeing how much YOU love it.”
Her portfolio was chock full of neon colors and glitter and rhinestones and splashes of peacock feathers and it was a delight. Our teacher despised every piece lol, but she got great marks and I think even won some awards. And more importantly, she was happy and proud of the results. Because she didn’t limit herself by trying to appeal to people who were never going to enjoy what she enjoyed.
Takeaway here: be as cringe as you want. Don’t limit yourself based on other ppl’s tastes. They’re not you, and you are incredible 💕
The hobbits invent a fun game called ‘how close can we get to our friends before they notice us’
easy mode: Gimli (makes a lot of noise himself, very easy to sneak up on)
medium mode: Boromir (challenging enough to be great fun)
hard more: Aragorn (VERY attentive to his surroundings)
expert mode: Legolas
it takes them a LONG time to get Legolas but Frodo eventually manages it and it’s magnificent
Legolas: *sitting around minding his own business*
Frodo: *two inches from his ear* hi Legolas what’s up
Legolas: ANDAGNDOAHGDLKHNKDLFHLKFDANGLKFDAGN????? *backflips to his feet in confusion*
*cue the rest of the fellowship losing their fucking minds*
after that he’s onto them and they never manage it again
from all i can gather this is entirely cannon except the fellowship hobbits didnt invent it, its been a traditional hobbit game on par with humans and ‘tag’ for about 500 plus years to the point the average human will routinely fail to notice an entire picnic of hobbits at ten feet, blanket and potato salad included
like hobbits dont realize they legit have a supernatural ability to not be noticed on par with elves physics bending sniper scope vision
okay but is “picnic” the collective noun for hobbits because that’s brilliant
a picnic of hobbits
perfection
So yeah, it’s canon that hobbits are the stealthiest of the races of Middle-Earth, even more so than elves. Which is an amusing trivia fact, until you start realizing how much of the plot of both The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings is based on this.
Why did Gandalf randomly decide that a plump gentle-hobbit was the right person to be a burglar for an adventuring party? It seems like wizardly eccentricity, until you realize Bilbo’s got a racial bonus to Stealth of like +20. Why does he get the Ring? In text, it’s partly coincidence, but also - which party member do you give your Ring of Invisibility to? The Rogue with a crazy Stealth bonus, of course. Bilbo uses his Stealth, boosted by the Ring, constantly, and the dwarves would have been dead a dozen times over without it. He’s able to get the Ring in the first place because he stealthed out of the middle of a horde of goblins. Then he’s sneaking up inches from trolls, secretly living inside the elves’ freakin palace (with Legolas) for months, rescuing a whole pack of dwarves from under the elves’ noses, regularly pick-pocketing people including elves, sneaking past a dragon, sneaking to deliver the Arkenstone.
Then we follow up into Lord of the Rings. Gandalf’s now bred up a second-generation Rogue. Frodo, Sam, Pippin, and Merry have that same massive racial Stealth bonus, and Frodo also has been raised by an adventurer. He speaks Elvish fluently, he’s friends with dwarves, he studies maps obsessively. Then he inherits Bilbo’s Stealth-boosting magic item - now upgraded to cursed McGuffin. When Gandalf decides it’s time, he collects Frodo and assembles a party. Their goal isn’t to march into Mordor, or to battle the Boss: it’s to sneak through enemy lines, past an entire army (or two).
The humans, elf, dwarf, and wizard angel keep drawing too much attention and getting them attacked (plus admittedly Pippin, the low-WIS darling), so eventually Frodo and Sam ditch them and head off on a pure stealth run. They can’t use the Ring of Invisibility anymore, but fortunately Galadriel gave them another Stealth-boosting magic item, the cloaks. They sneak halfway across Middle-Earth, past armies, through miles and miles of enemy territory, while being hunted by every evil being on the planet, particularly a literal giant All-Seeing Eye. Not to mention the Palantiri, extremely powerful divination items which are being actively used by three different groups of enemies/competitors.
The other main canonical Hobbit power is that they’re “very hardy folk”, meaning they have incredibly high resistance to various things from poison to mental influence. So they can survive the literally poisonous air and water of Mordor, which was designed to kill every species but orcs. And they can survive close contact with the Ring for decades or centuries, not only physically but also maintaining some degree of mental independence, when any other race would succumb in minutes to hours. (Note the most “powerful” characters - Elrond, Galadriel, the literal angel Gandalf - refuse to even touch the Ring, as do the most morally sound, Aragorn and Faramir.)
Why did Gandalf choose a minor member of the country gentry, the size of a toddler, with no combat training, to save Middle-Earth? Because absolutely no other creature on the planet could have done the task. Frodo was all but created as a weapon against Sauron. He, and he alone (with Sam), was capable of saving Middle-Earth.
TL;DR: Legolas would get jump-scared by Frodo every single time, because Frodo is the greatest Rogue in Middle-Earth, and the plot of the entire series depends on that fact.
ALT
